Pity 😔

Laying in the couch, I know I should be sleeping but can’t. I become more miserable with hatred every day that I’m losing beyond control. I hate my life. I can’t stand what it’s become. I can’t stand that I have lost control and making it worse. It used to not be me but now it is. All I can think of is getting out of here but at the same time, I think of how much it will affect. I wish I could sleep. I’m so uncomfortable, but every where I’m uncomfortable. I hate everything right now. I hurt so bad nothing but yelling and anger comes out of my mouth. Sometimes I feel like I want to cry, other times I feel like I have to so I can just relieve some of this pain. What am I doing? I can’t control my mouth bc I’m so angry! But no one cares! I wish I didn’t let my life to be so out of control. I can’t control my anger anymore that it sickens me. I hate him bc of what he’s done to me and what he doesn’t do. I wish I could just escape but there’s no where to go. I just want to yell at the top of my lungs. I want to be hugged and cared for and understood. I want real honest love. I want this pain to end. I want him out but I can’t afford this house. I want to move but he kids schools are here. I want to be alone. Lies are what destroys and nothing cannot be fixed with millions of lies that when is it time to finally trust? How can anything be trusted when everything was based on lies. My hip hurts, I feel exhausted. I can’t sleep. I’m so uncomfortable. I kind of cold. I wish I did have someone but yet I wish just to be all alone. I want to be held. I want fairness. I hate who I’ve become but I feel like I can’t get myself back. I don’t remember who I was. I do remember that I hate lying and I was always open and generous. I’m so bitter now, I’m so angry now. No one out there will listen, no one cares. Everything still is a lie and then I protect myself by lying. I just want to sleep. I’m hurting. I want to cry just to feel better. I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m pitiful. I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. I hate people seeing me and I hate being vulnerable. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll try to close my eyes but I’m so uncomfortable I don’t think I can sleep. The only person to talk to really is myself. How pathetic. I running out of words. I’m running out of thoughts… I think. I’m going to pause and try to sleep.